Our MEATIEST Update Yet | ASCENDANT Dev Update

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We've been hard at work bringing a handful of updates into our game including exciting new items, tweaks to the much-loved Gorlizard Mind Link, and more!

Watch the video and read the full patch notes below:



[h2]New Features[/h2]

• Earthtree’s Drunk Karaoke Hour – Every so often, your Earthtree will start belting out karaoke hits from the ‘80s and ‘90s, and there’s no way to turn this feature off. The good news? You’ll learn every word to ‘The Final Countdown’ whether you like it or not.
  
• NPCs That Judge You – NPCs no longer give advice - they give attitude, such as: “We both know you’ll never win with THAT strategy.” and “Is that… your loadout? Wow, good luck. I’m embarrassed for you.” Emotional trauma is guaranteed, but it’s good for toughening you up.
  
• Gorlizard Mating Ritual – The Gorlizard Mind Link event now has a much-requested feature: mating. Lock eyes with another Gorlizard, press interact, and boom - one bonus Biocore (and psychological damage!).
  

[h2]Weapon Updates[/h2]

• Screaming Bazooka – Every time you fire this bad-boy, the bazooka will scream louder than your mom calling you down for dinner. The scream is both blood-curdling and embarrassingly high-pitched. There’s no tactical advantage - it’s just really, really loud and off-putting.
• Hot Potato Gun – The clue’s in the name. This one fires steaming hot potato bullets. Not “hot” in a useful way, though. They’re just overcooked, limp potato lumps. Are they good for damage stats? No. But do they give you the street cred you so desperately need? Also no.
  
• The ‘Yo Mama’ Grenades – Grenades that explode on impact with loud “Yo Mama” jokes: “Yo mama's like a hardware store: open 24/7, and everyone gets a free screw.” Jokes get louder and more intolerable with every use.
  
• Sneak Peak – A new melee consumable. It increases melee damage by 75%, and suspicion by 100% - it also looks...questionable, see it for yourself in the video!
  

[h2]Gameplay Adjustments[/h2]

• Compulsory Nap Times – After 10 minutes of play, all players will pass out on the ground to take a compulsory power nap. No more explanation needed. We just care, ya know?
  
• Hallucinogenic Map Glitches –The map occasionally warps into a psychedelic mess of flashing colors and unsettling laughter. This is NOT a bug. It’s just an attempt to keep things fresh for you guys. Also, everyone’s faces randomly disappear.
  

[h2]Bug Fixes[/h2]

• Infinite Hiccups – Fixed an issue where players would start hiccupping in-game and couldn’t stop. (We still left a 10% chance for random hiccups because you guys just loved it so much.)
  
• “Ex Summoning” Audio Glitch –Turns out, random voices saying “WYD?”, “Had a dream about you last night”, and “You up?” wasn’t a glitch. Still working on removing this, but, honestly, who doesn’t want to hear from their ex?
  

[h2]Known Issues[/h2]

• Mandatory "Therapy Breaks" – The game will randomly stop mid-match, forcing you into an unsolicited therapy session where you’re asked uncomfortable questions like, “Do you think your Biocore dependency affects your personality?”, “Why do you think your Dad has never been proud of you?”, “Do you think it’s your face…?”, and “Why does your Mom not love you?” Refusal to answer will lock you out of the game for 24 hours.