The Spectrum

[p]They had many terms for my social issues growing up; non-verbal, retarded, stupid... I had delayed speech problems and couldn't pronounce my r's. Kids would get me to say words with r's and then laugh at me and call me all kinds of things. So i didn't talk much in elementary school. I started masking better in middle school but I could never stop the anxiety. I still struggle in large open settings with lots of people walking or sitting behind me. Looking people in the eyes was always horrible and I just wanted to fit in and have friends. My parents worried that if I got labeled as autistic that life would be harder on me... That's what they said but I think they also felt the social pressure to not have a kid like that. I remember the schools and teachers, in both elementary and middle school, talking to my parents. I talk to my dad about once a year these days. [/p][p][/p][p]Music became my shield, escape, and best friend. I learned to use an 8 track analog workstation and started making and recording friends. Music was my world. I learned bass first and I can play slap but my friends were into pop punk, like blink 182 when I was 13, so we played that but I learned the Chili Peppers on the side. I wanted to write songs so I learned to play guitar. I can play anything with strings that doesn't use a bow. Then we could never get our drummer to record so I learned to play drums. Piano happened in school and is probably what I should have started with but that is when I put in the work and learned theory. [/p][p][/p][p]I have never felt like there was a place for me in this world.[/p][p][/p][p]I never liked to do the wrong thing growing up, the anxiety was insane when you would do something that you knew you shouldn't; so I didn't drink until I was 21. I got my first drink with my dad at a steak house. [/p][p]Alcohol takes the anxiety away. I can talk and not do 100 rehearsals after. Every time I have a big event I prepare like most people, maybe a little more but people have told me that is normal. But I do them for everyday events or conversations, I also do a bunch, maybe more after the fact. I did an interview the other day and I did about 70 rehearsals before and probably 100 since. I think sometimes I need to live in a different version of the world because it has always been so hard on me to do it right, or it always feels like I am getting ready for the next time that situation would happen. [/p][p][/p][p]In college I was extremely good at philosophy and had a curiosity for psychology and why I was the way I was. I ended up majoring in creative writing English and Philosophy. [/p][p][/p][p]Clark struggled with fitting in as well. Clark was a great singer but had a stutter. I had two friends that could and sometimes would prefer to sing because they didn't stutter when they sang.[/p][p]A lot of my masking came out as a brute, I was raised in a family where the Alpha goes first no matter the situation and frankly that's how people in school were. But Clark was just kind.[/p][p][/p][p]I was shocked when Clark took his life. I was struggling myself and had never thought enough about what he must have been going through. I got as close to taking my life as possible... I tried. When I first heard that Clark did it, I was jealous. I wanted peace so bad. If you get stuck in addiction, like I was with drinking, it is a nightmare. [/p][p][/p][p]I tell you guys all of this for the few of you who struggle with similar issues and the many of you who feel like outcasts. If we are out here alone... At least we are alone together! Please Join the Discord. And in any way possible please show each other kindness![/p][p] [/p][p][/p][p][/p][p][/p][p][/p]