Squirmish News

We will be releasing a free Demo version of Squirmish very soon. This update supports the upcoming Demo release and includes improvements that will allow Demo players to smoothly upgrade to the Full version without losing progress they've earned in the Demo.

Additionally, this update is a maintenance release with numerous minor fixes and improvements.

• Upgraded major version of game engine to Unity 6. We were building with Unity 2021, but skipping over Unity 2022, we're now using Unity 6, the latest and recommended Unity variant.
  
• Fixed a bug that was causing Rogues' Gallery opponents to play at a weaker level than intended.
  
• Fixed a bug where the Gameplay Pacing setting would get reset to a default value.
  
• Updated wording of THE WHADDAYAWANNA PRIZE! achievement to clarify that it's awarded for winning a Tutorial game.
  
• Fixed issue with modal browsing UI elements (used for browsing cards or other items). They could get stuck in browsing mode when a game controller disconnected.
  

Normally, Squirmish: The Videogame of Brawling Beasties costs 27 quarters, 2 dimes and 4 pennies (or 699 pennies!). For a limited time (Jan 27 - Feb 3), you can get it for only 6 quarters, 2 dimes and 4 pennies (or 174 pennies)! That is a savings of 21 quarters (or 525 pennies)!



Honestly, we don't care much about the dang quarters... it's really those pennies we are in it for.

Really, could you please just pay us with 174 pennies?



You could probably find that in your recliner, judging by the holes in your overall pockets.

Can you believe most people want to GET RID of their pennies? The FOOLS!

If someone offered you 1 egg for a dozen eggs, would you take it? Of course not! Yet every day, people are offered 1 quarter for 25 pennies... and, improbably, they think they are getting a good deal!



Honest Abe Lincoln!



It's no wonder they put him on the penny. The best president we ever had, what with the beard, and the long-armed boxing punches, and the hilarious hat made out of a genuine dead rodent. It's only natural they would want to put Abe on the coin they mint the most of! Not sure why they left off the hat. They should really put the hat on the back.

But to be as honest as Honest Abe Lincoln... it is not the glory of Abe alone that makes us want your pennies. It's the copper! For copper is one of the best conductors of ELECTRICITY.

You just try and wire a makeshift toaster with all your fancy quarters when the bread wars come! We'll be sitting on our pile of pennies happily watching butter melt on a toasty slice of sourdough, laughing. Laughing! Between the tears, we'll be laughing our guts out, hot-buttered-crumbs-a-flyin' everywhere!

Until then, why don't we play some Squirmish, yes?

Squirmish is on sale just in time for Squirmuss! Yes, Squirmish currently costs only $2.44 (65% off)! That is less than the cost of a peppermint-gingerbread-reindeer latte!

Get Squirmish now and you'll be ready for Squirmuss Day... that special day that comes once a year when St. Thick bestows so much glorious extra damage in the game, it will be plum-figgy-pudding nuts. Just check out his special ability!



Here is some seasonal poesy to celebrate...

THE NIGHT BEFORE SQUIRMUSS

'Twas the night before Squirmuss, when all thru the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse;
Stinky socks were hung by the toilet with care,
In fears that St. Thick would soon emerge from there;
The creatures were gnarled all caged up like felons,
While omens of salty wounds pounded their melons,
When down in the bathroom there arose such a fuss,
I knew it could only be that ornery cuss.
As I went to the head, and was turning around,
Up out of the toilet came St. Thick with a bound:
He was dress'd all in plastic, from his head to his boot,
And his clothes were all tarnish'd with unspeakable toot;
A sack full of cards was flung on his rear,
And his voice sounded like a high-pitched Bronx cheer:
His eyes?—? how they glazed! His dimples: how scary,
His cheeks were like roses, his nose aviary;
His droll little mouth was stretched out in a fright,
And the drool on his chin gleamed into the the night;
A stump of lead pipe he held tight in his paw,
Painted with stripes so it looked like a straw.
He had an ugly face, and a big round booty,
That shook when he screech'd, like a bowl full of cooties;
He was smelly and plump, a right scary old freak,
And I scream'd when I saw him, too scared to speak;
A wink of his eye and a shake of his buns
Soon gave me to know I had nowhere to run.
He spoke not a word as he jiggled his butt,
And fill'd all the stockings with I don't want to know what,
Laying his finger on each side of his tush
And giving a nod, down the toilet he flushed.
As he spun down into the septic undertow,
cards with his image 'round the room he did throw:
And I heard him exclaim, ere he flushed out of sight?—?
"Hairy Squirmuss to all, and to all a good fright!"

'Tis the season to be brawling! Fall down with a flop! A BOP BAM BOOM!

It's the most volatile time of the year!

Indeed, December is the season of fighting!

When all your third cousins, uncles and ankles show up at the house for whatever moldy old holiday they're into, and to sleep in your hay loft, eat your burnt croutons and share their idiot views on politics, meat and the benefits of tin-foil hats, why not beat the nog out of them... with cards!

Introduce the whole family to YOUR holiday... Squirmuss, the holiday of card-battling! Yes, the age-old tradition of fighting with cards has always been the best way to pummel your family without ending up in prison!

There are already less than 4 weeks until Squirmuss Day (December 26th)!

Are you ready for Squirmuss? Have you burned any holiday croutons? Did you put bells on your brass knuckles? Where did you throw the missle toad? Have you memorized all your favorite Squirmuss sea shanties? Did you decorate your venus flytraps?

Most importantly, did you hang your stinkiest socks next to the toilet to ward off St. Thick?



Oh. No?

Well, I'm afraid it is too late for that one. St. Thick has already popped up the toilet with his plastic bag full of Squirmish cards, ready to rumble!

(I actually suspect the stinky socks may summon him).

St. Thick is a powerful Squirmish card, indeed... especially during the Squirmuss holiday season. His special ability is date-sensitive!



SEASON’S BEATINGS
In December you may say this card's battle cry
before any attack by any card to do +1 DAMAGE. On
December 26th (Squirmuss Day) it does +2 DAMAGE.

The new St. Thick promo card is already available for free in the Squirmish videogame! If you have the videogame, you can go use him right now! (If you don't yet have the videogame, it is on sale during the Steam Autumn Sale for $1.95 until December 4th!)

Also, if you hurry, (while supplies last) you can also get a St. Thick card for the Squirmish tabletop game! To get one, just post absolutely anything you want to post about Squirmish anywhere at all on the internet, and email a link to what you posted to info at squirmish.net (along with your postal address). Once St. Thick knows your address, he will be stinking up your mailbox toot sour!

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As we enter Squirmuss Season, we're celebrating with a new card featuring ST. THICK!

Sure, he's as rude as a SantaCon Santa, but he packs a punch, and in December, he'll inspire your other cards to do even more damage during their attacks.

ST. THICK is our first card with a date-dependent ability, called SEASON'S BEATINGS. In December, his battle cry grants a +1 DAMAGE to your next attack, not just with ST. THICK, but with any of your cards in play! And you can use it repeatedly, once each turn. On actual Squirmuss Day, (traditionally celebrated on December 26th), the bonus is boosted to +2.

Even during months other than December, ST. THICK's special attack STINKY SOCK is a serious threat which can instantly Knock Out a card for your victory pile, even friendly cards. How fast can you say "Insta Win!"?

From mid-November to mid-January, ST. THICK may show up in Standard format games, as well as other formats that include random cards from your collection.


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The damage bonus calculation for SCHLOPPO's PIE TOSS ability has been restored to the way it's usually calculated in tabletop Squirmish.

Original intent was to calculate the damage by counting the cards between SCHLOPPO and the target along a shortest continuous path of cards between the two. In the videogame, we've been calculating the bonus by counting cards intersecting a straight-line path from SCHLOPPO to target.

With this change, the bonus damage calculation will usually award about one more point of damage than the previous method, but in certain card arrangements, it will get a lot more. (With Gillbert in play, a +9 bonus is theoretically possible.)

This bumps up SCHLOPPO's power rating a bit and should also lead to some big game moments.


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[h2]How to report bugs and give feedback[/h2]

Please use one of these places to report bugs or send feedback:

• at the official Squirmish Discord
• Squirmish Steam Community Hub
• via email at [email protected]
  

When possible, we recommend joining the Squirmish Discord server and reporting there. It's where we center our community building and a place where you can also find:

• Important game announcements
  
• Sneak peeks at new cards and features
  
• Answers to your game rules questions
  
• Discussions about new card designs
  
• Squirmish artwork, in various stages of completion
  

The Squirmish Discord also supports Squirmish: The Card Game of Brawling Beasties, so you can keep up with the cardboard version as well as the digital one.