Hero's Hour review: like eating a fistful of random jelly beans

Picture the scene: you are at the beach. It is a real-time strategy beach, where metaphors happen. A lawless-looking child hands you a bucket. When you look into the bucket, you find sand, paint, bread, pottery, chocolate, nails, and several crabs all speaking different languages. Isn't this fascinating? What the hell is going on? This is Hero's Hour, an untidy RTS sand bucket filled with so many ideas it's hard to see how this turbulent mix will have any structural integrity at all when you finally up-end the bucket to build a tower. And yet… it sorta does? I don't know. I'm lost. How do I get off this beach?