Steven the Sperm News

You know, I noticed that STS isn't really about getting that money (shot), it's more about being quick... which would be bad in real life, but you know.... I decided to make some accommodations:

CHANGELOG:

• HIGHSCORE BOARD FOR TIMES! Focus on getting the perfect time rather than getting points!
  
  Note that existing save data will not be ranked on the time board. To get a ranking, either reset your current progress or complete your existing game and play again.
  
  Also note that no empty entries marked "-" will be in the time board for previous players. This is because these empty entries are set up when the game is first run - don't worry though, the board is still operational with 10 spaces.
  
  
• You can change whether or not you'd prefer to see the score board or the time board first when you click on High Scores. Check the options menu.
  
• Fixed an INCREDIBLY dumb mistake that caused the time used to calculate the medals to be about one second longer than your actual stage time. That's because it didn't truly stop the timer until the "Stage Complete!" thing popped up. Yeah. That was dumb.
  
• Timer now displays milliseconds for greater precision.
• Fixed a medal exploit. Won't go into any more detail than that.
  
• Minor spelling correction in one of the endings.

STS is still alive! Please share us with your friends (with consent of course).

Hello, you can tell by the fact I'm not cracking any jokes that this is a serious update.

A particularly nasty glitch occurs on the 5th stage under certain conditions that will make it impossible to complete the stage.

This update will fix the glitch for new players, but existing players should take precautions by clearing their checkpoint data:

1) On the title screen, click the "Options" question mark.
2) Under the "Checkpoints" category...
~~~~~ a) If you have checkpoints enabled, press 'no'.
~~~~~ b) If you have checkpoints disabled, press 'yes', then 'no'.
After doing this, feel free to change the setting back to what it was previously.

Although this will wipe your checkpoint data, it'll ensure that you won't encounter this glitch when you make it to the fifth stage. I apologize for any inconveniences this may have caused, or how many hours of grinding it might've wasted (oh, I guess there's a joke).

It's not just this one fix though, other spermy content (idfk honestly I just feel bad for the lack of sperm puns) in this update includes:

• Controller support. No, I am not kidding. It was designed around the Xbox controller, so other controllers may not work as well. Use the left stick/dpad to rotate, A to accelerate, X to dash, B to brake, and back to go back to the title screen or quit the game.
  
• You may now use either of the shift keys to dash. This is useful for if you like to use the "ZX" or "./" control schemes, as well as if your keyboard's spacebar isn't good at detecting rapid presses (such as my Microsoft Ergonomic 4000).
  
• Fixed two stray pixels between the end of the j**z cell section and the rotating spermicide section in Stage 2.
  
• Fixed an overlapped face in the top right of Stage 3.
  
• Improved the image quality of the white backdrop, which was set to a smaller size than it was supposed to be for some reason.
  

Cya!

EDIT:
Here's a couple of fixes I made after just a little more testing... nothing so amazing that it gets its own announcement post to bury this one, but I figured I'd at least outline here:

• A cosmetic reward will now display properly. This may also fix a crash that was happening on the program's startup, since the program was trying to access an object that didn't exist.
  
• The Xbox controller can now use the "next" boxes properly.
  
• The title screen now says "Dash" under the play button instead of "Spacebar" due to the new controller and shift key options.
  

EDIT 2:
This is such a dumb mistake, I can't believe I forgot about it.

• Certain textboxes now work with controller.
  
• A particular input at a particularly bad time now works with controller. If you know, you know. No spoilers though.
  

Hey ya'll, PJSim here. This is a very difficult game, you know. So if you find yourself getting pissed off, always try to remember to take a break.

For instance, say for example you're trying to get the HEMOSPERMIA achievement on your personal account after already unlocking them on your Acorn business account. You spend all of your time dying over and over again in Stage 4, trying to collect all of the cells. Oh man do you begin to consider removing quitting that level. You eventually beat the gauntlet... only to find that 'Stage 5' has started you out INSIDE the walls of spermicide.

You have no idea what the f!!k is wrong with your programming how that could've happened, so you get so pissed off that you rant about it in the developer announcements uninstall the game from your computer! We don't want that, do we?

So yeah. Get mad? Take a break. Especially in ???? mode, since the atmosphere is so daunting and depressing. I might make an update soon, might not, I dunno. See ya.

Sometime I’ve noticed is many people who’ve played this game haven’t had checkpoints enabled. They’re supposed to be enabled by default, but I guess it just hasn’t been working.

1) On the title screen, go to Options (the ?)
2) Click “Yes” under “Checkpoints”
3) Climax.

I’d release an update to help notify people, but I’m currently spending two weeks at a sex C++ camp, so I won’t be back until August 2nd, even then I have college work to do. Thanks for playing STS!

OK, so get this. I was just chilling on my computer working on a 3D MMORPG mode for STS, when all of a sudden some crazy dude shot an ancient looking arrow through the window. Miraculously, the arrow didn't hit me, but it DID hit Steven's sprite as I was working on updating it to the 4K vector graphics. Amazingly, the screen didn't break, but the sprite started freaking out with some type of mystical energy I couldn't see. It was kinda crazy. All of the work on that MMORPG mode was wiped, but when I checked the game out, Steven had gotten some new powers during the final stage. He had to die five times in order for it to activate, but after that... I.... uh... yeah. I don't know.

CHANGELOG:

• The final stage is easier thanks to Steven's new optional mystic powers... that activates after 5 deaths (I also decreased the time it takes for cells to spawn but nobody cares about that and honestly I doubt anybody would've even noticed if I hadn't written this).
  

ᴵ ᵃᵖᵒˡᵒᵍᶦᶻᵉ ᵗᵒ ᵃⁿʸᵇᵒᵈʸ ʷʰᵒ ᵈᵒᵉˢⁿᵗ ᵍᵉᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵒᵐᵉʷʰᵃᵗ ᶜʳᶦⁿᵍʸ ʳᵉᶠᵉʳᵉⁿᶜᵉ.